What should I do when I feel angry at someone who has genuinely wronged me or when I find myself angry with God?

Detailed Answer:

from Chapter 18, Parts 1 & 2 (more available in parts 3 &4)

 A Biblical View of Anger

There is an abundance of Bible passages that deal with anger. Rather than exploring all the verses mentioned in the Bible pertaining to anger, we will focus our attention on three primary passages. We can learn a great deal from these verses regarding anger: if we should feel it, for how long we should feel it, what we should do when we feel it, and more. The three specific passages are as follows:

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity (Ephesians 4:26-27).

The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God (James 1:20).

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord’ (Romans 12:19).

From these short passages, we can extract several helpful principles regarding anger that are applicable to TPM:

We have been given permission to be angry.
“Be angry …” (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Anger is fundamentally a God-created response to perceived injustice. God Himself is angered by the injustice that is present in the world. And when we witness or experience injustice, we are right to feel angry. In fact, much of the anger we feel was initially established in the context of injustice, such as abuse, cruelty or neglect. God has designed us to respond to such experiences in this way. It is unlikely that we will escape feeling some measure of anger when we face perceived injustice.

It is possible to be angry without sinning.
“Be angry and yet do not sin …” (Ephesians 4:26-27, emphasis added)

Anger is a powerful force that typically results in inappropriate action. Anger, in and of itself, is not sinful, but when we are angry, we must be careful how we react. Rather than behaving righteously when we are angry, we tend to engage in sinful behavior. God is the only person who can rightly act on His anger. If I act out my anger, I will probably sin. God’s Word grants us permission to be angry, just don’t sin if you are. Good luck with that one!

It is interesting to note how Paul links anger with behavior where he says, “rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” (Colossians 3:8 NIV). He first says to rid yourself of anger, rage, and malice but then follows with slander and filthy language. Paul recognized that we tend to open our mouths and release all manner of unpleasantries when we are angry.

We should only be angry for a short period of time.
“Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26-27)

We were designed to feel angry when faced with injustice or wrongdoings. The proper emotional response to an injustice is anger. However, if we hold on to our anger for very long, it will cease to be about the injustice and will become the fuel that motivates us to try to solve the problem that the injustice seemed to have created. This always leads to negative consequences.

We afford the devil an “opportunity” when we are angry.
“… do not give the devil an opportunity …” (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Satan desires to have the opportunity to provide us with lie-based reasons for holding on to our anger. If we decide to hold anger after the “sun has gone down,” this indicates that we have been deceived by the enemy. If we are unwilling to let it go, or even resistant to the thought of giving it up, this is evidence that we are using it to solve a perceived problem.

We might believe such things as “My anger will protect me and keep me safe,” “My anger holds the person who hurt me accountable and keeps them from getting away with what they did,” “My anger helps me to control my situation,” or “My anger punishes those who hurt me.” As logical and rational as these thoughts may seem, none of them are actually true. By holding on to our anger, we have provided the devil with an “opportunity” to deceive us, and he takes full advantage of it, for he knows that if we remain angry, we will eventually sin.

Our anger and revenge does not accomplish God’s righteous purposes.
“Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord’” (Romans 12:19) for “… the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (James 1:20).

Even when our anger seems to be righteous indignation, it cannot accomplish God’s righteous judgment. The Greek New Testament word found in James 1:20 that is translated “righteousness” is the word “dikaiosunēn,” which also means “righteous justice.” Only God can bring about righteous justice for the wrongs inflicted upon the innocent. Even though my anger is a righteous response to an injustice, I cannot bring about the righteous judgment that such injustice demands.

Even though God has given us permission to be angry (Ephesians 4:26), He also tells us that it will not accomplish what He desires (see James 1:20). The psalmist understood this where he said, “Cease from anger and abandon wrath; Do not get upset; it leads only to evildoing” (Psalm 37:8). This is why God has said over and again, “vengeance is mine” (Hebrews 10:30, Romans 12:19). We cannot avenge with a righteous judgment; vengeance is God’s alone. This being the case, it makes more sense to cast “…all your care upon Him …” (1 Peter 5:7 KJV) realizing that anger will neither right the injustice nor accomplish God’s will.
This does not mean that we are to do nothing in response to true injustice. We are to care for, support, and encourage those who have suffered injustice while viewing these injustices from a heavenly perspective knowing that God is at work in us amid anything that comes our way. The Scriptures are clear, “If God is for us, who is against us?” (Romans 8:31).

Most societies have some form of a criminal justice system in place designed to punish evildoers (see 1 Peter 2:13-14). Even so, after all this has been done, can we honestly say that justice has been served? Do those who have suffered injustice feel that all has been made right? Do those whose loved ones were unjustly taken from them feel like justice has been served because the evil person has been put in prison? Not at all! Nothing we do here on Earth can bring about true, righteous justice. Justice is coming, but it will not be found until He brings it! However, for the believer it still remains that “God causes ALL THINGS to work together for the good. . .to be conformed to the image of His Son” (Romans 8:28-29, emphasis added).

We should do what we can, but we must leave vengeance with God. Being angry may seem like our only recourse, but it will not accomplish the righteous purposes that we think it might. All our actions should be motivated by love since “the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Galatians 5:6 NIV). Jesus taught us that the proper response to those who hurt us is a far cry from what we typically do. But remember, following these directions is humanly impossible unless the Holy Spirit convinces us of the truth in our hearts enabling us to view life from His perspective. Jesus said:

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven’ (Matthew 5:38-45 ESV).

You cannot fulfill Jesus’ instructions without first having the Holy Spirit persuade you of a Heavenly perspective. Only when we view our enemies as instruments in the hand of God as He brings about His perfect will in our lives can we ever “love” them and pray for them in this way.

 Our Anger Always Falls Short of God’s Righteous Judgment
Any behavior that is motivated by our anger will fall short of God’s righteous judgment. If our actions are motivated by anger, they will always fall short of God’s best, even if they appear to be “spiritual.” As James said, “[our] anger does not bring about the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). The Scriptures are also clear that we are to confront injustice and evil by doing good (See Romans 12:17-21, Luke 6:33-35). If the peace of Christ is “ruling in our hearts,” and we are genuinely motivated by love, then our behavior will be good.

As you will recall from our discussion of the “Belief and Choice” Principle, our outward behavior may appear to be just and righteous, but “God does not see as man sees, since man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7, see also 1 Corinthians 4:5). If we hope to rightly evaluate our behavior, we must search where God is focused: our motives. If our actions are motivated by anger, then we are attempting to do God’s job. But if we are truly motivated by God’s love and the peace of Christ, we are fulfilling His call upon our life.

The Scriptures are clear, “Do not take revenge. . . but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord” (Romans 12:19 NIV). Anytime we attempt to right wrongs, punish, take revenge, or bring about justice while we are angry, our actions will not fulfill God’s righteous judgment. Some people call their acts of anger a “righteous indignation.” However, James was clear when he said that our anger cannot accomplish a righteous outcome. Since this is so, even our best efforts in ‘righteous indignation’ still result in our trying to solve a problem that only God can righteously solve. It is God’s job to bring about a righteous judgment; ours is to act in love.

Does this mean that we turn a blind eye to the evil injustices in our world? Not at all, for we are told to speak the truth in love (see Ephesians 4:15). Paul also reveals that God will use secular authority to punish evildoers where he wrote, [secular authority] is a servant of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it [secular authority] is a servant of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil (Romans 13:4, emphasis added).

When Paul said, “Be angry, and yet do not sin. . .” (Ephesians 4:26), he revealed that our initial reaction of anger was normal and expected. However, when he said, “just don’t sin” he is stating just how far we should go in our anger. Since our anger cannot accomplish or bring about the righteousness of God, anything we do while angry will fall short and fit the definition of “sin” (see Romans 3:23).

So then, to paraphrase what Paul is saying: “feel what God feels (anger) when you witness an injustice, but don’t react to the situation from this emotionally charged place. Leave vengeance up to God.” Make room for God to do only what He can do. Our calling is to operate from a heart of love. Here is a sampling of what the Scriptures say should be our response in the face of injustice. These are all actions based upon a heart of love. If these verses seem to set too high a standard it is because we are not yet convinced in our hearts that they bear the truth:

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven (Matthew 5:11-12 ESV).

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Eph 4:31-32 ESV).

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all” (Romans 12:17 ESV).

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44 ESV).

Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive (Col 3:13 ESV).

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21 ESV).

Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing (1 Peter 3:9 ESV).
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them (Romans 12:14 ESV).

If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head (Romans 12:20 ESV).

Again, each of us will feel angry at times. There is no avoiding it. And sometimes we are angry at what angers God, but it is for this very reason that we do not need to remain angry. God’s wrath is sufficient! Our anger is ineffective and unnecessary. When we are able to see His wrath and righteous judgments, this revelation will extinguish our anger and cause us to give up our attempts at doing His job.

Characteristics of Anger

When applying the Process of TPM, it is important to recognize when you are feeling angry, but this task can sometimes seem difficult to accomplish. Thankfully, understanding the characteristics and dynamics involved with anger can help you to distinguish it from other emotions, because some of these characteristics are unique to the members of the “Anger Family.”

The “anger family” may include such feelings as revenge, hate, wrath, malice, rage, impatience, frustration, or feeling “ticked,” “miffed,” exasperated, flustered, aggravated, annoyed, irritated, resentful, and more. Even though each of these are described using different words, they all have common characteristics that secure their place in the anger family.

1) We feel anger towards someone or something.

The foremost characteristic that will help you determine when you are feeling angry is the direction anger typically flows. Most other negative emotions are felt inwardly, but we feel anger outwardly towards someone or something. For instance, I may feel angry “at” you, but I would not feel sad “at” you, scared “at” you, or worried “at” you. We feel angry toward other people, toward God, toward our situation, and even toward ourselves.

The direction that the emotion is flowing indicates whether or not it is a member of the “anger family.” All forms of anger are felt outwardly, toward a person or thing. This unique characteristic is the basis for the ANGER Box question, “Is any portion of what you are feeling being felt toward any person or thing?” If what you feel is felt towards someone or something, then you are probably feeling some form of anger. People often ask us, “Is (some particular emotion) in the anger family?” We always answer their question with a question, “Is the emotion being felt toward someone or thing?” If so, then the answer is “yes.” This is a crucial concept worth remembering.

Someone might say, “I don’t really think that I’m feeling angry at “So-and-So.” I am just upset with what they did.” Again, we would ask, “is any portion of your “upset” feelings being felt toward this person?” If the answer is “Yes,” then you may not be raging, but you are angry. Someone else might protest saying, “On a scale of one to ten, I am just barely a “one.” Does this small measure constitute anger?” It is not the intensity of our emotion that determines if we are angry or not. I would ask those who are mothers, were you ever only a little pregnant? Even if we are barely angry, we are angry.

2) We purposefully hold on to our anger because we believe it will accomplish something.

We hold onto anger because we believe it serves us in some manner or will help us “solve” a perceived problem. For example, we may believe that our anger keeps us safe and protects us, that it holds those who have hurt us accountable for their actions, or that our anger is a force for good as we fight for the innocent who are being mistreated. We may feel angry at ourselves as a form of punishment in hopes that we will change our poor behavior. Or it may seem as though being angry gives us a sense of empowerment or control. If we have been deceived into believing that there is a reason to hold on to our anger, we will feel compelled to do so no matter the consequence.

3) We cannot hold on to anger without suffering negative consequences.

Anger is too hot to handle for very long. Not only does anger lead to wrong decisions and sinful behavior, but it also takes a toll on us mentally, emotionally, and physically. Being angry burns up mental energy and causes us to be distracted. Remaining angry for an extended amount of time can lead to very real physical consequences. For example, we might develop ulcers, suffer from acid reflux, experience headaches, or even develop cancer. It is impossible to stay angry without paying a price.

4) When we are angry, we can have difficulty connecting with our other emotions.

If two parents were walking with their 3-year-old on the sidewalk near a busy street, and the child suddenly darts into oncoming traffic, what do you think they would immediately feel? Terrified! Out of control! Helpless! Powerless! But after the child is safely pulled away from the busy street, the parents’ presenting emotion would likely change. At first, they may express relief, but they will probably also feel some measure of anger. They might feel angry at the child for his dangerous behavior. They may feel angry towards the drivers who sped past them. They may even feel angry at each other for allowing the child to escape their care. Whatever the case may be, their initial feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and being out of control will be drowned out by their anger.

5) We usually choose not to listen to people we feel angry towards.

If I am angry at you, our ability to effectively communicate will be hindered. Little of what you say will make it through to me, and that which does will carry little weight. The same dynamic is at work in a TPM session when you are angry, especially when angry toward God. Anger is a common reason for not “hearing” from God during a ministry session. Until you address the reason you are angry at God and gain His perspective, you will likely be unwilling to hear from Him about much else. The belief that supports your decision to stay angry must be dealt with first.

6) We often have reasons for not admitting that we are angry.

Many of us struggle to admit that we feel angry. This is most often the case when we feel angry towards God. Being angry at God is typically viewed as sinful and unacceptable. Many of us have been led to believe we should stop being angry or, at the very least, deny and suppress our anger. This mindset can lead you to unknowingly ignore the fact that you are angry.

It is common to deny the fact that you feel angry, or claim to be feeling “nothing,” even though you do feel angry. This can be for a myriad of reasons. Many cultures discourage expressing anger, as it is viewed as bad, sinful, inappropriate, and rude. We often encourage little children to “count to ten” and suppress their anger. Or worse yet, we console and comfort them if they feel scared, worried, or rejected but scold and punish them when they express anger.

These responses mistakenly communicate that some negative emotions are permissible while others are unwanted. And though these techniques may have seemed helpful and productive at the time, they likely had no impact on the reasons for why we are angry in the first place. We were not dealing with our anger; we were simply keeping ourselves from expressing it.

The fact of the matter is if you are angry, God already knows this. He is not interested in your attempts to deny your feelings. He wants you to acknowledge the fact that you are angry, take an honest look at the reason(s) for being angry, and come to Him for His perspective.

But if we have reasons for not admitting our anger, these solution beliefs must be addressed before we are able to deal with the anger itself. In these instances, we must first seek His perspective regarding our decision to deny our anger, and then we will be able to own and acknowledge the reasons we have for holding on to it. Attempting to address these kinds of solution behaviors out of order is usually not productive.