Why is it so often hard to forgive?

Detailed Answer:

from Chapters 6 (Parts 1 and 7) and 19 of the Principles, Purpose, and Process of TPM

We do what we believe.

Why did you brush your teeth today, or wear what you are currently wearing, or begin reading this book? Why do you go to work, or study the Bible, or watch television? Why do you do any of the things you do? Simply put, you do what you choose to do. Your behavior is the result of choice.

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You will choose to do what seems best from your current perspective (Proverbs 21:2). But just because something seems like the “best” option doesn’t mean that it is the “best.” It only seems to be the best option because it is in line with what you believe is best. Your decision will reflect your belief. This is why we say, “we do what we believe.”

We commonly refer to this concept as the “Belief and Choice Principle.” And this relationship between what we believe and what we choose to do forms the basis of many important discussions throughout this book. We make the choices we make and engage in the behaviors we do because of what we believe to be true. Again, we do what we believe.

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We “obey” what we believe.

This concept makes me think of the countless times I’ve asked my children to do something only to be met with grumbling and complaining. My children would experience difficulty in obeying because the thought of cleaning their rooms failed to follow what they believed was “best.” However, if I issued a command that reflected what they believed to be good, right, and profitable, such as, “Kids, put your shoes on, and get in the car because we are going to get ice cream!” then their obedience would be immediate and effortless. They would not struggle to obey; in fact, they would obey with enthusiasm and joy!

The actual task of picking up dirty clothes off the floor and putting them in the hamper is hardly more difficult than putting on shoes and walking to the car, but obeying the former command clearly seemed more difficult for my children, and they would experience real struggle when attempting to obey this simple directive. Their reaction to my requests indicated what they each believed. It was obvious when my instructions were in line with what seemed “best” to them, but it was just as obvious when my words conflicted with their beliefs!

They would mutter their objections and try bargaining with me in hopes that I would change my mind or issue different commands. They had reasons for disobeying, and because of this, obedience seemed difficult for them. But the difficulty they experienced while attempting to obey stemmed from their belief, not from my instructions or even the task itself.

If they would have been able to rightly perceive my motive, the reasoning behind my requests, and the extent to which they would personally benefit, they would have automatically and instantaneously obeyed my requests without difficulty. The effort involved in the activity would remain, but the mental barrier between them and their obedience would be removed. Instead, they leaned on their own understanding (Proverbs 3:5), and their limited and flawed perspectives of me and my instructions made it quite difficult for them to obey their father!

 

Obedience is effortless when we agree with the command.

Our choices and actions reflect what we believe to be true. This concept helps to explain much of our behavior. It sheds light on why some of us struggle to drive under the posted speed limit or wash our hands every time we use the restroom or come to an agreement on what to watch for movie night. But it can also help us understand why we struggle with more important decisions.

For instance, why do we struggle to obey what God asks us to do? For the most part, we struggle to obey God for the same reasons my children struggled to obey me. At some level and to varying degrees, His words conflict with our current beliefs. Our flawed and limited perspectives make it impossible for us to rightly perceive and understand what He has said and why He has said it. We may genuinely intellectually know that His ways are “good,” but they do not seem “best” according to other beliefs that we also hold.

In reality, His plans are for our good (Jeremiah 29:11), and those who obey His words are blessed (Luke 11:28). King David clearly laid out the facts when he wrote,

The instruction of the Lord is perfect, renewing one’s life;
The testimony of the Lord is trustworthy, making the inexperienced wise.
The precepts of the Lord are right, making the heart glad;
The command of the Lord is radiant, making the eyes light up.
The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever;
The ordinances of the Lord are reliable and altogether righteous.
They are more desirable than gold – than an abundance of pure gold;
And sweeter than honey, which comes from the honeycomb.
In addition, Your servant is warned by them; there is great reward in keeping them.
(Psalm 19:7-11 HCSB)

Every word of this passage is entirely true. But if we don’t fully believe them in our hearts, they will not feel or seem true to us. At some level, we will be resistant and hesitant to follow His commands, even though they are pure, enlightening, righteous, and more desirable than gold. This is especially true when we have been deceived into believing that some ungodly behavior is more desirable than what God has prescribed!

You may agree with God in your head, but if your heart’s belief is contrary to the truth, His ways will not feel or seem “right” and “perfect.” Consequently, it will feel and seem as though obeying God is a less than “perfect” option. Or, worse yet, another strategy will appear to offer a better prize than the “great reward” that David describes.

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There is a difference between our “will” and our “desire.”

We may genuinely want and desire to follow God’s promptings, but our “will” is expressed in what we do. Our “desire” is what we want to do, but our “will” is what we choose to do. We want to quit cursing but are willing to let a few words slip if the context seems to merit it. We want to stop searching for graphic images online but are willing to look “just one more time.” We want to forgive those who have wronged us but are not willing to release the debt. We want to spend more time in prayer but are not willing to invest the precious moments that it would require. We want to speak the truth but are not willing to publicly admit that certain sins are sins. We want to walk in truth and freedom, but we are not willing to accept responsibility for the emotions we feel or the choices we make.

We want what God wants for us, yet even a cursory examination of our behavior makes it clear that we are often unwilling to do such things. Unless we view our situation through His eyes, we will be drawn aside and compelled to engage in behaviors that contradict what we genuinely desire. The difficulty we experience when attempting to obey God’s instructions has little to do with the actual tasks. Rather, our struggle indicates that we have a belief problem! What we are choosing to do at any moment is reflective of what we believe.

You can observe this dynamic in practically every TPM session. Our default behaviors frequently contradict what we genuinely want and desire to do. When this happens to people who do not yet understand this principle, they often feel “stuck.” Even if they try their best to do what they know they should do, they still feel inhibited. This is because they are unknowingly attempting to act in opposition to what they believe. The reality is that they deliberately choose to do what aligns with their current beliefs and perspectives.

 

Our struggle to obey God indicates our need for His perspective.

Hopefully you now see the importance of having God’s perspective as it relates to obeying His commands. If our beliefs mirror His instructions, we will effortlessly obey with the same enthusiasm that my children had when told that they were getting ice cream. When we rightly and fully perceive His motive and purpose, as well as the nature of His instructions, we will delight in His commandments.

We see this relationship between our understanding of God’s instruction and our obedience to it in Scripture where it says,

Teach me, Lord, the meaning of Your statutes, and I will always keep them.
Help me understand Your instruction, and I will obey it and follow it with all my heart.
Help me stay on the path of Your commands, for I take pleasure in it.
Turn my heart to Your decrees and not to material gain.
Turn my eyes from looking at what is worthless; give me life in Your ways.
Confirm what You said to Your servant, for it produces reverence for You.
Turn away the disgrace I dread; indeed, Your judgments are good.
How I long for Your precepts! Give me life through Your righteousness.
(Psalm 119:33-40 HCSB)

Like the Psalmist, when we understand God’s instruction, we will obey and follow it with all our hearts and take pleasure in it (Psalm 119:34-35). Because of this, we can logically infer the inverse of this truth; if we do not follow God’s instruction with all our hearts and take pleasure in it, then we lack understanding. In this instance, we have a belief problem, not an obedience problem!

It is not so much that we need God to help us obey as it is that we need Him to help us perceive and understand the truth. We need Him to turn our hearts and eyes from that which is material and worthless to that which is righteous and life-giving. When this happens, we will obey.

By learning to view our struggle and disobedience as indicators of our need for God’s perspective, we are taking steps in the direction of true obedience. But before we can gain His perspective, we must first honestly realize our need for it. When we acknowledge our need and position ourselves to receive, He will gladly grant us His truth, and once we have it, we will express our love for Him by obeying His commands (John 14:15).

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We do what seems “best” from our current perspective.

Each of us is motivated by what we believe in our hearts and guided by what we believe in our heads. We do what seems “best” according to our current perspectives, and our perspectives are the result of what we believe to be true. When our beliefs inaccurately or incompletely reflect the truth, they cause us to see unsolved problems that seem to need our attention and feel compelled to do something about it or, at the very least, do something in response to it.

If you believe that focusing on the truths in Scripture and reciting them to yourself will be effective, that is probably what you will do. But if you believe that committing yourself to self-improvement strategies and reading all the “self-help” books you can find will somehow work better, then you will likely attempt this strategy first. If you believe that ignoring your emotional pain will help you stay focused on addressing the problem of your supposed defectiveness, it is safe to assume that you will do just that.

Whatever behavior appears to be most helpful, productive, or effective will seem more enticing to you than the other options that are available. This does not mean that it actually is more helpful, productive, or effective; it only seems that way because of what you currently believe. The drivenness you feel to engage in that particular behavior is a direct result (and indication of) what you currently believe to be true.

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(Unforgiveness as a “Solution Behavior”)

A Preview of The Three Components of a Solution

As you will recall, our truth-based problems will appear to be unsolved and problematic if we fail to see God’s purpose and involvement from an eternal perspective. Our genuine grief and sorrow will appear to be ours alone to carry, others who have hurt us will seem to get by with what they have done, or the regret and shame of our past sins will linger and hold us captive in irresolvable guilt. Even though God has already fully resolved each of these issues (or has promised to do so in the future), if we lack His greater perspective, we will likely view them as unresolved and attempt to address them ourselves.

Worse still, our lie-based and flawed perspectives cause us to perceive problems that do not even exist. Because we have been deceived, it can seem as though we are worthless, alone, or abandoned, or that our situation is hopeless and out of control when none of these things are true.

When we are faced with such perceived problems (either lie-based or truth-based), we will eventually search for ways to solve them. We may try to deny what we feel, blame those around us, hold onto our anger, or find a way to escape our current circumstances, but whatever we do in response, if it is done in an effort to “solve” these problems, it is a solution behavior.

We do what we do in response to our problems because we believe it will help. Each of us does what seems “best” from our current perspective. For instance, during a ministry session you may genuinely want to connect with your emotions, but if you believe that blocking them out keeps you safe, then you will feel compelled to do just that. As you learned from our discussion of the “Belief and Choice” Principle, we do what we believe. Every choice you make is based upon what you believe. You are motivated to do what you believe will work. The beliefs that support our use of solution behaviors are referred to as “solution beliefs.”

As you will soon discover, you may find yourself engaging in a solution behavior at nearly any stage in the TPM Process. But it is also possible for you to make this discovery throughout your daily life. In the same way that your negative emotions indicate that you lack God’s perspective, your solution behaviors can alert you to this need. We should learn to evaluate our motives and honestly answer the question, “Why am I REALLY doing this?”

Your familiarity with these three components (solution behaviors, perceived problems, and solution beliefs), as well as the dynamics associated with each, will largely determine how successful you will be in identifying them and responding appropriately. For that reason, it is important that you understand these concepts well. We will now look carefully at each concept.

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Solution Indicator: “Resistance and/or Hesitancy”

When you are convinced that a certain “solution behavior” will help solve a particular problem, you will be resistant to the thought of not doing it and hesitant to the idea of trying anything else. For instance, if you were out in the cold, you would feel reluctant to take your coat off because you believe it keeps you warm. You would also hesitate exchanging it for a less insulated garment since you believe what you currently possess offers superior protection. In the same way, you will also resist the idea of letting your emotional guard down if you believe it protects you from harm.

If you considered choosing to do the opposite of your solution behavior (either taking your coat off or letting your guard down), it would cause you to recoil, pause, or push-back. Even if you genuinely desired to change your behavior, doing so would seem impossible or at the very least, require much effort, focus, or willpower. This is due to the fact that you would be attempting to act in opposition to what you believe to be true (solution belief).

For example, you may feel hesitant or resistant at the thought of letting go of the anger you feel toward someone who has hurt you because you believe that maintaining your anger is holding the person accountable (solution belief). According to this flawed logic, releasing your anger would let him get by with what he did (perceived problem). Even if you intellectually know that releasing the anger would be good, helpful, or moral, the resistance you feel indicates that you still believe there is a valid reason to hold onto what you feel.

Another example of this might be feeling hesitant or resistant at the thought of allowing yourself to remember some painful life experience. Even though you feel deep pain, no memory comes to your mind. If you believe that blocking out the memory keeps you from being overwhelmed by it (solution belief), then it would seem as though you are risking becoming overwhelmed if you choose to remember (perceived problem). You may logically understand that recalling memories is a step in the right direction, but your hesitation indicates that you believe blocking-out the past is preferred.

Other examples of resistance/hesitancy include (but are not limited to):
● Resisting connecting with emotional pain,
● Being hesitant at the thought of remembering an abusive experience,
● Being unwilling to admit your own mistakes,
● Struggling to forgive a debt,
● Feeling resistant to the thought of going to your family reunion,
● Hesitating when prompted to share your faith,
● Being reluctant to fully accept that God’s grace is sufficient for your sin problem,
● Feeling hesitant at the thought of not being angry in response to a perceived injustice,
● Struggling to admit your need for help,
● Feeling hesitant at the thought of honestly acknowledging what you really believe,
● Feeling reluctant to honestly acknowledge who you feel angry towards,
● Feeling hesitant at the thought of letting your guard down,
● Resisting hearing someone else’s opinion if you believe it conflicts with your own,
● Being reluctant to saying “no” when others ask you to serve,
● Feeling as though you must put effort into staying focused while applying the TPM Process, etc.

Do not be surprised if you find that you feel resistant or hesitant to the thought of doing something that you genuinely want and desire to do. This simply indicates that you have reason to continue doing what you are currently doing even though you know you should do something else.

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“Solution behaviors” indicate our need for God’s perspective.

The presence of solution indicators suggests that you are currently engaged in a solution behavior. In other words, you are potentially doing what you are doing because you have been deceived into believing that it will help you solve a perceived problem. We believe that being able to identify when you are engaged in a solution behavior will prove to be one of the most beneficial skills you will learn in TPM. It is also a major time-saver when applying the TPM Process with a Mentor. Rather than waiting until you are seemingly unable to move forward, you can alert your Mentor, and go to the SOLUTION Box at the first sign of a solution indicator.

Not only does understanding these concepts aid in your application of the TPM Process, but it also enhances your ability to mentor others and further equips you to take advantage of the opportunities for refinement that God presents in your daily life. Just as our emotional pain indicates our need for His perspective, our behavior serves as another alarm system, indicating when something is wrong. For instance, feeling reluctant to engage others in conversation at a church function is not your problem, it indicates that you are attempting to solve a problem. If you find yourself always sitting in the back of the room or near an exit door, your behavior is not random, it is the way in which you are solving a problem. And if you stand in front of your refrigerator knowing that you are not hungry, you do not have an “eating problem,” you have an “eating solution.”

If we feel compelled to engage in any kind of solution behavior, we need God’s perspective. When we feel hindered from doing the good works that God prepared for us, we need His perspective. If we feel less stressed, anxious, or angry after going somewhere, doing something, or talking with someone, we need to assess our own behavior. Opportunities for faith-refinement are all around us! But before we can intentionally take advantage of these opportunities, we must be able to spot them. Understanding the concept of solution indicators will further equip you to see opportunities that you might otherwise miss.