“WHY DO I KEEP DOING THINGS I GENUINELY DO NOT WANT TO DO—EVEN WHEN I KNOW THEY ARE HARMFUL, SINFUL, OR UNHELPFUL?”

Detailed Answer:

from Chapter 6, Parts 4 and 6

We engage in solution behaviors because we believe lies about them.

The fact that we engage in solution behaviors shows that we believe the problems we face are solvable and that we believe our efforts will help. If we genuinely believed that our problems were unsolvable, we wouldn’t look for a solution. And if we thought we were incapable of doing anything that might help, we wouldn’t attempt to solve them ourselves. But we do believe our problems can be solved, and we do believe we are able to solve them, so we engage in solution behaviors. Our belief is displayed in what we do.

We pay our electric bills because we believe doing so ensures that the lights stay on, and we lock our doors at night because we believe it keeps us safe. Many of us have been led to believe that holding onto our anger ensures that those who have wronged us will be held accountable, and we choose not to think about certain events in our past because we believe doing so keeps us from being overwhelmed. We pay our bills and lock our doors because we believe those behaviors will help us, and we hold onto our anger and block certain memories because we believe these “solutions” will work as well. The important detail to notice here is that we believe our solutions will help. This obviously does not mean that they will help, it simply means that we have been led to believe that they will.

The consequences of the lies we believe are much the same as if they were true. Solution behaviors are another perfect example of this concept! For instance, think of all the superstitious behaviors that sports fans engage in before a big game. They wear specific jerseys each time their team plays. They feel the need to eat certain foods or sit in their special spot while they cheer from the couch. Why do they do this? Do these behaviors have any actual impact on the outcome of the game? Of course not! But because these diehard fans believe their actions are necessary, they are compelled to do what they do.

Like these superstitious sports fans, we attempt to solve our perceived problems by engaging in behaviors that seem to be helpful, productive, or effective. We avoid discussing certain topics because we believe it protects our relationships. We erect social barriers because we believe they will keep us safe. We suppress our emotions because we believe it will keep us from becoming overwhelmed. We repeatedly recite certain songs and prayers because we believe it impacts our spiritual reality. We punish ourselves because we believe doing so will improve our behavior. Even those who attempt to end their own lives do what they do because they believe it will “solve” their problem.

We do what we do because we believe it will help. None of us would implement a “solution” that we knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, would not work. The very fact that we are engaging in a particular behavior shows that we believe (at some level) it just might work.
We perceive “problems” because our perspectives are limited and flawed, and we engage in “solutions” because we have been deceived into believing that they will help. This deceptive strategy of the enemy has been in play since the very beginning. In fact, as we will discuss later, one of Satan’s primary schemes is to offer us short-sighted solutions to our perceived problems.

The Serpent led Eve into believing that she had a problem that would only be solved by exploring options other than the one God had offered. He tricked Eve into doubting God’s honesty and authority (Genesis 3:4-5) making it seem as though she needed to lean on her own understanding to decipher what to do (Proverbs 3:5-7). Satan helped Eve craft humanity’s first solution behavior. His deceptive schemes were effective then, and they remain effective today! We can learn a great deal about our current behavior by examining our first attempt at self-sufficiency in the Garden of Eden.

 

We always think before we act even if not at a conscious level.

Remember, we do what we do because of what we believe to be true. This means that even our poor behavior is an outcome of our belief. In spite of how it seems, our choices and behaviors are calculated, measured, and reasoned. In fact, the worst decision ever made by a human being was contemplated first.

Eve concluded that the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (which was not to be eaten, see Genesis 2:9, 17) was “good for food,” a “delight to the eyes,” and “desirable to make one wise” (Genesis 3:6). Because of these beliefs, she ate. Her actions were the result of her choice, and her choice was the result of her beliefs. Her problem wasn’t that she didn’t think about it first. Her problem was that her reasoning was blindingly limited and horribly flawed!

Eve could have responded to the problem that Satan described in any number of ways. First and foremost, she could have asked God about it. She could have honestly and openly talked with Him regarding her interaction with the serpent. Who knows, God might have straightened her out (Proverbs 3:6)! But she could have also simply discussed the matter with her husband, or resisted Satan and told him to leave (James 4:7), or tried convincing the serpent to sample the fruit first. Of all the options available to her, why did she choose to do what she did? The fact that she decided to eat from the tree indicates that, at some level, she believed doing so was her best option.

We also eat “forbidden fruit” when we believe there are legitimate reasons for doing so. At some level we may know that the behavior is illogical, unhelpful, misguided, or even destructive, but it will still feel or seem as though we should do it. We feel compelled to act in accordance with what we believe. Because of this, when our beliefs “miss the mark” and contradict God’s standards, so does our behavior (Romans 14:23). We do what we believe, no matter where those beliefs point us. We always have reasons for doing what we do.

 

A behavior is a “solution” if it is done to solve a perceived problem.

Eve ate the fruit because she thought it would accomplish something. She believed it would solve a problem. Because of this, the act of eating the forbidden fruit was Eve’s “solution behavior.” The motive behind her behavior, not the behavior itself, is what makes this distinction. Even if a solution behavior has the outward appearance of innocence or insignificance, the beliefs and motivation behind it may be rotten.

Eve’s act of disobedience may have seemed unthreatening on the surface (she only took a bite of fruit, for goodness’ sake!), but the lie-based belief lurking behind it led her to solve her own perceived problems and resulted in condemnation and death. Many of our own behaviors are done for similar reasons. For instance, someone who abuses medication for the purpose of escaping angst and depression is obviously engaged in a solution behavior, but what about the man who donates to charities for the purpose of gaining recognition, or the woman who serves on the worship team at church so that she feels important and included, or the couple who refrains from talking about certain subjects because the conversation always leads to a fight? Is supporting local charities or volunteering at church wrong? No. Aren’t we supposed to be careful with the words that we use? Of course!

But let’s go back to Eve for a moment. She took a bite of fruit. So what? We’ve all done that. In reality, her behavior wasn’t the main problem. The true offense is found in the reasoning behind her behavior. The issue is in what her choice represented. Her actions indicated that she trusted her own perception and reasoning instead of relying upon what God had said. Although it likely seemed harmless at the time, her illegal snack was a defiant protest against God’s authority. Again, it may not have felt or seemed like a big deal, but the truth was still the truth regardless of what she believed. In the same way, when we attempt to resolve the problems that stem from our limited and flawed perspectives, we are inadvertently copying Eve’s poor behavior.

When we attempt to meet our own needs and solve our own problems, we mistakenly attempt to assume God’s role in our lives. We attempt to keep ourselves safe even though He is our Protector (Psalms 5:12, 18:2, 32:7, 121:1-8, 2 Thessalonians 3:3). We try to provide for our own needs even though He has promised to do so (Philippians 4:19, Psalm 54:4, Matthew 6:31-33). We try to make ourselves clean and live rightly through our own efforts even though He is the only source of righteousness (Romans 3:22, Jeremiah 23:6, Genesis 22:14). We seek out justice in our own lives even though He is the One who will bring it about (Ecclesiastes 3:17, Hebrews 10:30, Psalm 37:8-9, 50:6). We attempt to bear the weight of our grief and sorrow even though He has taken it upon Himself and promised to bear our burdens (Isaiah 53:4, Matthew 8:17). We do everything we can to control our behavior even though He guides our path (Psalm 32:8, 119:105, Proverbs 3:5-6, 16:9, Romans 8:14). But regardless of what we believe, the truth remains: God is who He said He is, and He will do what He said He will do.

No matter how helpful, productive, or moral our behavior seems to be, if we are attempting to do God’s job for Him by acting as a “problem solver,” we are engaged in a “solution.” But again, this is a belief issue, not a behavior issue! Until we have His perspective, our efforts will seem to be needed. But when we rightly perceive His involvement in our lives, we realize that much of what we do is, at best, unnecessary.

 

Solution behaviors indicate our need for God’s perspective.

If Adam and Eve genuinely understood the true ramifications of eating from the forbidden tree, do you honestly think they would have taken a bite? Knowing what you know now, if you were to trade places with them, would you eat of that tree? The fact that they disobeyed God and ate of the fruit clearly indicated their lack of perspective. They failed to comprehend what they were forfeiting by disobeying God. They didn’t fully understand what they were doing.

Jesus obviously had this sympathetic perspective of those who were with Him on Calvary. As He compassionately watched those in attendance, He asked His Heavenly Father to “forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). If the onlooking mob knew the truth of what was taking place that day, their behavior would have been dramatically different. But we can’t sit in judgment, for it seems that we are just as ignorant of the gravity of our behavior as those who cheered for the execution of our Savior. They didn’t know what they were doing, but then, is our behavior any less short-sighted and foolish?

We would stop doing much of what we do if we perceived ourselves and our situation from God’s perspective. Since we have been deceived by “empty words” and arguments, we behave improperly, in a manner that is unsuitable for “children of light” (Ephesians 5:3-10). These lie-based beliefs have led us to do things we would not otherwise do. Like Adam and Eve, we step out of line because we’ve been tricked!

We are drawn to engage in improper behavior because we have been led to believe that it will be worth it. This concept is not too different from the marketing strategies that the food industry employs. They create delicious looking “foods” for their commercials that are designed to draw our attention and make us drool. In reality, these succulent-looking dishes are almost never what they appear to be. They are typically made of unappetizing or inedible materials. They are hand-crafted to look like real food, but they are fake. The milk in those cereal bowls is actually glue, the grill marks on those perfectly grilled “steaks” are made using shoe polish, and the warm maple “syrup” dripping down those steaming stacks of pancakes is nothing more than motor oil. If you truly knew what you were looking at, you wouldn’t feel nearly as hungry after viewing these misleading advertisements. They are meant to represent something scrumptious and delightful, but they are often inedible or toxic.

In the same way, our solutions only seem “appetizing” to us because of what we believe about them. More than anything else, our solution behaviors indicate that we have been deceived. We have been led to believe that there are legitimate reasons for doing what we do. Because of these “solution beliefs,” our misguided ways seem right in our own eyes (Proverbs 21:2), and we are compelled to act out our deception.

God desires for us to rely upon His involvement and trust in His solutions, and He knows that we will when the eyes of our hearts are opened (Ephesians 1:18). He is working to expand and correct our limited and flawed perspectives. But He also wants us to realize the futility of our “solutions” and the sufficiency of His.

We need to learn what Peter discovered in the Garden of Gethsemane through panic and embarrassment; we are not equipped to solve our own problems. They require more than a reckless reaction with a fisherman’s blade. Our best attempts to take control of the situation will only make things worse. But before we can put our “swords” away, we must admit our reasons for drawing them in the first place and acknowledge the mess that we have made while attempting to solve our own problems.

Like my granddaughter with jelly on her hands, we are doing the best that we can (given our immature perspectives). But if we will stop to admit that we have been trusting in earthly solutions and humbly ask our Heavenly Father for help, He will lovingly and carefully clean our hands and purify our hearts.

 

We do what seems “best” from our current perspective.

Each of us is motivated by what we believe in our hearts and guided by what we believe in our heads. We do what seems “best” according to our current perspectives, and our perspectives are the result of what we believe to be true. When our beliefs inaccurately or incompletely reflect the truth, they cause us to see unsolved problems that seem to need our attention and feel compelled to do something about it or, at the very least, do something in response to it.

If you believe that focusing on the truths in Scripture and reciting them to yourself will be effective, that is probably what you will do. But if you believe that committing yourself to self-improvement strategies and reading all the “self-help” books you can find will somehow work better, then you will likely attempt this strategy first. If you believe that ignoring your emotional pain will help you stay focused on addressing the problem of your supposed defectiveness, it is safe to assume that you will do just that.

Whatever behavior appears to be most helpful, productive, or effective will seem more enticing to you than the other options that are available. This does not mean that it actually is more helpful, productive, or effective; it only seems that way because of what you currently believe. The drivenness you feel to engage in that particular behavior is a direct result (and indication of) what you currently believe to be true.

 

Both the “struggler” and “performer” solve their problems by doing what seems “best” from their current perspectives.

Since our behavior reflects what we believe is “best,” we must evaluate the rationale and thinking behind our behavior rather than focusing primarily on the behavior itself. This is especially true for solution behaviors that do not seem especially threatening or immoral.

For instance, let’s say I feel compelled to play praise music whenever I feel anxious. Is the behavior of listening to worship music wrong? Of course not! Is it a better option than getting drunk or gorging on ice cream? Obviously! But why do I choose to do it? What is my motive? If I am listening to music for the purpose of reducing my anxiety, I am engaged in a solution behavior and forfeiting God’s superior option. He wants me to know the truth. When I know the truth in my heart, I won’t feel anxious. If I still want to play some praise music, then I can worship in spirit and in truth (John 4:24)!

In the same way, someone may choose to go for a run to “relieve” stress, avoid elevators to keep from feeling claustrophobic, or start a blog in order to feel valued and seen. Obviously, there is nothing inherently wrong with exercising, taking the stairs, or posting your opinions online, but if any of these behaviors are done to “solve” perceived problems, then they are just as misguided as my misuse of music.

This is no different than a believer who struggles with the compulsion to steal. Instead of blasting music to ease his pain, he takes what does not belong to him. He knows that doing so is wrong, but it seems like it is the “best” way to meet his perceived needs, and it is hard for him to resist the urge to commit this type of crime. But why? Why is he drawn aside and enticed to grab items from store shelves and sneak them into his pockets? He is compelled to do what seems best from his current perspective, and he struggles when attempting to do the right thing because doing so requires him to act in opposition to what he believes to be true.

Although his stealing has consequences, the behavior itself is NOT the real issue! His fundamental problem is the fact that he lacks God’s perspective. The believer doesn’t really want to steal, he has been tricked into thinking that stealing will help “solve” a perceived problem. If he knew the truth, he would not do what he currently does.

God designed you to act out your beliefs by doing what seems “best.” But He also wants you to know the truth so that the options that are best will seem best to you. Until then you will feel compelled to engage in shortsighted solutions which deceivingly lead you by the “way of death” (Proverbs 14:12). Some of these behaviors are obviously bad ideas to most of us while other solutions are more common and socially acceptable. But is my misuse of worship music morally superior to someone else’s struggle with stealing? The consequences of each option are dramatically different, but our motives are very much the same! Because of this, I shouldn’t view my musical compulsion as more spiritual than his obviously problematic behavior.

In fact, a person who struggles with inappropriate behavior may have some form of advantage over those who seem to have their acts together. For, unlike those who perform well, the “strugglers” at least realize that their current strategies are not working, and they are looking for a better way. Many of us, on the other hand, have been reassured that our behavior is acceptable and “right” simply because it is productive or biblical. So, let’s not think more highly of ourselves than we ought to (Romans 12:3).

It may seem to some that we are dwelling too long on a trivial topic, but we believe that the implications of this concept are far reaching and apply to every reader. It can offer hope to those who feel lost in the chaotic cycle of poor behavior and regret. But it also potentially encourages those who feel confident in their own “good” behavior to take a closer, more honest look at why they do what they do. (It is also a concept that plays an important role in the TPM Process.)

God is not looking for more “Marthas” who will work hard on His behalf, pouring themselves into misguided productivity. He desires for us to sit next to Mary at His feet and receive the “good part” that He has for us (Luke 10:38-42). He wants to work in us more than He wants us to work for Him. He desires for us to know the truth of who He is, what He’s done, and who we are in Him. This is what is necessary (Luke 10:42).
If we were able to believe the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth both in our heads and in our hearts, our thoughts and behavior would always reflect God’s heart and mind. When this is not the case, we have room for growth and still need God’s perspective. We do not yet fully know God and are unable to see ourselves the way God sees us (1 Corinthians 13:12).

Anyone who honestly believes they have “taken hold of it,” we say, “Congratulations! You have surpassed the Apostle Paul” (Philippians 3:13). But we would also lovingly challenge you to take a closer look at your motives. We lie more to ourselves than we do to anyone else. It may seem difficult to honestly assess why you do what you do. You may not yet know how. So, keep reading; we’ll get to that soon enough!
The rest of us should be reminded to “not become discouraged in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not become weary” (Galatians 6:9), because “after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore you, secure you, strengthen you, and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10 BSB, emphasis added).

 

BONUS MATERIAL:

Our Need for “Repentance” Concerning Our Sinful Behavior

Hopefully repentance follows our sinful behavior, but this does not mean what many believe it to mean! Paul wrote in his letter to the church in Corinth about how godly sorrow brings about a “repentance without regret.” If we try to apply the misleading “turn from sin” definition here, it becomes awkward and confusing. He wrote;

Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death (2 Corinthians 7:9-10, emphasis added).

Again, the word that is translated as “repentance” in this verse is the Greek word metanoia. For a moment push out of your mind the idea of turning from sin, and replace it with God granting a change in belief and then reread this passage with this understanding in mind. I think that you will see that it takes on a clearer and fuller meaning.

Paul writes a peculiar sounding phrase when he says, “the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret.” This is where a proper understanding of “metanoia” (repentance – change of belief) becomes very important. For why would we ever regret turning from sin? (misunderstanding metanoia). Paul was explaining that this “sorrow” was designed by God to move them toward the truth. The “repentance” (transformation of their belief) would not disappoint them or ever cause them to regret the change.

Again, metanoia does not mean to “turn from” anything, but rather it is a change in perspective or belief. When our belief changes, we will turn from our sin without ever looking back or feeling regret! When we are persuaded of the truth regarding our sin, turning from it becomes natural and effortless. There is no regret because going back to it will make no sense in light of the truth. Every sin we ever commit is motivated and accomplished in the context of deception.

However, I have known of people who “turned from their sin and turned to God ” and then later regretted doing so. How could this be? There was never a change of belief (metanoia). The reason for their regret is that true “repentance” never occurred. Choosing not to sin and trying to follow Jesus will not take you very far. At some point you may regret the decision like the Isralites longing to return to their Egyptian captivity (Exodus 16:3). Without a change in belief, regret and disappointment will eventually find their way into your life. Your turning from sin may go a full 360°, and you find you have turned all the way around and are back where you started.

To illustrate this concept further, consider the following. Many of my grandchildren love playing with frogs. They inspect every rock and shrub until they have found enough small, slimy creatures for each member of the search team. The kids kindly handle the amphibians while building (what they believe to be) perfect houses and habitats for their newly found friends. This outdoor activity consumes many hours of playtime, to the delight of child and parent alike!

Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about many dangerous varieties of frogs where we live! If we were located in the Amazon, however, this would not be the case! Take the Golden Poison Frog for example. Although these tiny creatures are small in comparison to our local frogs, they are brightly colored and beautiful to behold. My grandchildren would be drawn to pick them up and play with them, but to do so could prove deadly! There is enough poison in its skin to kill multiple people. You could die by simply touching it! Even though my grandchildren might initially feel tempted to play with this adorable creature, the revelation of its poisonous potential would rightly kill their enthusiasm. This change of thinking (metanoia – “repentance”) would have an immediate effect on their desire to engage in this “sin” that leads to death!

In the same way, until we are convinced of the dangers, risks, and costs associated with our solution behaviors (or at least their ineffectiveness), we will likely feel drawn to engage in them. It may genuinely seem desirable to do what we are tempted to do, but this is only because we are unaware of their drawbacks and dangers or have been deceived into believing that they are worth the risks. When we have His perspective of our short-sighted solutions, they lose their appeal!